Yes, even Jess and Dan deserve true love
Like most of Australia, I spent last night hurling things at my TV screen as Married At First Sight's two most reviled villains (in a hotly-contested field - lest we forget Ines Basic) Jessika Power and Dan Webb revealed the truth about their clandestine affair.
"I came in wanting to find someone to build a life with and I've found that but it's not with Mick," Jessica told the group at the commitment ceremony, brimming with excitement. "It's with Dan."
Bewitched by her own ice-cold savagery, Jess pouted smugly and the panicked-looking Dan grunted dumbly and we howled for the experts to banish them from the show so they could mash their veneers together away from the cameras and we could all move on with our lives.
Weirdly, though, I'm surprised to discover that my hard line stance has softened overnight.
Maybe, I find myself musing, we need to give Jess and Dan a chance.
If we accept the premise - cellophane-thin though it is - that the purpose of this cursed show is so we can watch lovelorn singles find their happily ever after, then shouldn't we be pleased when someone legitimately finds love?
Given that the contestants are no more "married" than I'm Meghan Markle, does it really matter if they "cheat" on whichever random was assigned to them at the beginning by three experts who have all the scientific nous of The Flat Earth Society?
Even the long-suffering Tamara and Mick claimed they wouldn't have cared about the affair if Jess and Dan had just been "open" about it (although everyone says that when they've been cheated on - as if any infidelity has ever been pardoned simply because it was acknowledged to all wronged parties within a polite time frame).
And in truth, neither exactly looked distraught to be offloading those two vain little twits onto each other. Mick in particular would have sold his left arm to have Dan take Jess off his hands weeks ago.
The real issue with Jess and Dan's unorthodox pairing isn't that they cheated, it's that by letting them stay in the experiment as a couple, the experts have set a dangerous future precedent for the series.
There's now zero point in going through the farcical "weddings" ever again. Just shove everyone in a house, rename it Love Island and be done with it.
Letting things descend into that sort of unstructured chaos is exactly what MAFS boss Brian Walsh fears will happen again next year, saying that it "goes against the spirit" of the experiment.
It doesn't really of course - not if we acknowledge that the true spirit of the experiment is to make truckloads of cash for Channel 9 - but it will make people wary of investing emotionally in couples so heavily again next year.
But whatever the long-term implications for the show, the fact is Jess and Dan are together now and we may as well be begrudgingly happy for them while we still have to watch them.
And if you still need convincing, cheer yourself up with this encouraging thought: as long as they're in a relationship with one another, no one else has to be.
Alex Carlton is a freelance writer. Continue the conversation @Alex_Carlton