SLASHING the dreams of his wife, Married At First Sight's favourite groom has stunned with a blunt, candid let-down.
Sarah waits until the arancini are served before she springs her life-changing idea on husband Telv in the hope the delicious deep-fried entree will put him in such great mood that he just agrees. And it's a terrific scheme. I'm usually a cranky bitch at every dinner I go to until the arancini are wheeled out and then I'm a complete delight.
But despite the power of these golden mozzarella-filled breadcrumbed joys, Telv isn't fooled. And he slaps Sarah down immediately.
The twilight date comes at the end of Monday night's episode which sees all the couples switch partners.
Remember when Dean and Davina were persecuted by Australia for partner swapping? Well, now the experts have decided it's not such a bad idea and enforce a mandatory switcheroo for all couples. John Aiken claims there's some psychological reasoning for the exercise but, like my grandma, he just loves instigating bitchy drama.
The switch is just a fun way to get Charlene to come face-to-face with Dean again and we basically waste a whole day hanging out in a deserted bar day drinking while watching them argue.
Charlene enters the dark, empty saloon bar and takes a seat in a corner booth with her back against the wall so he can't creep up behind her and startle her with a sexist statement. Determined to have the upper hand in this interaction, she stares menacingly at the entrance and waits for Dean to enter.
Charlene orders Dean a burger and chips and it's waiting for him when he arrives. She sips room temperature tap water. At first I think she's laced Dean's meal with some kind of poison, but we soon realise the greasy meal is just a crafty move to make him bloated and gassy so his confidence is buckled.
"What happened with the Davina thing?" Charlene fires at Dean, midway through his cheeseburger.
A gherkin slips from his mouth and wriggles down his chin as he attempts to defend himself.
"DAVINA WENT FOR ME! DAVINA WENT FOR ME!" he barks as bits of mince meat spray across the table.
I honestly can't believe we're still talking about the whole Davina thing. But dragging Dean last week was the most interesting thing Charlene has done on this entire series and she's determined to recapture the moment.
Across town, Troy is matched with Mel and he insists on talking to her like she's his almost-dead nan.
"HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?" he over-articulates in a loud yet sympathetic voice.
Without hesitation, Mel tells him things with John are going amazing and shares the joys of their mature-aged sex life.
Troy is taken aback by his nan's sex confession.
Mel doesn't know what the big whoop is and tries to prove to Troy that she's an experienced and desirable woman.
Meanwhile, Charlene and Dean are playing a new drinking game.
Charlene takes a sip each time Dean cheats on his wife and Dean downs one every time Charlene blames him for the downfall of mankind and chants things about the sisterhood.
Now drunk, these two enemies begin having a very sophisticated argument about the word "vibin'". There's context around the word but it doesn't matter or help.
"I'VE NEVER SAID THE WORD VIBIN'!" Dean yells, denying Charlene's accusations. He's angry and insulted. But most of all, humiliated. And I completely understand where he's coming from. I'd cut sick if I found out some loser had been going around telling everyone I use the word "vibin'".
Through fist-fulls of shoestring fries, they continue to spit the word "vibin'" in haste until Dean has a brainwave.
For days, he's been relentlessly attacked by Charlene. Does he deserve it? Probably. Maybe? I don't know anymore.
Anyway, Dean decides to turn the tables on Charlene.
"You are very outspoken," he says, glaring at her. "And you've had a lot to say about me. And you've put me on the spot, I feel, in inappropriate ways."
He has a glint in his eyes. And in one clean swing, he whacks her with some harsh truth.
"You think I wasn't taking the experiment seriously," he begins. "I'll throw that back at you and say I think you guys haven't taken it seriously enough. Because if you're so unhappy, why hasn't one of you guys said 'leave' up until this point?"
Charlene's left winded by the blow. She knows she has problems with Pat, but she didn't realise other people knew about them. She gets defensive and rejects Dean's assertion.
"What makes you think Pat and I are so unhappy?" she replies.
We interrupt and inform Charlene that the reason people thing she and Pat are unhappy is because Pat's in a bar across town telling Sarah about how unhappy his relationship is.
"Intimacy hasn't been one of our strong points. I need a connection," Pat confides.
Pat says Charlene is a total prude when it comes to sex and to test it, we start yelling a bunch of sex positions at Charlene to see how she reacts.
Charlene can't get Dean out of her head. For weeks, she has been putting on a solid front about her relationship with Pat. But now she's forced to face the truth.
"I'm still not feeling as much as I want to be feeling," she confides in us.
Over dinner, as Patrick tries to talk about feelings and Sarah McLachlan songs again, Charlene snaps.
"Dude! Be a fricken' maaaaaan!" she pleads.
Her outburst is embarrassing. Pat's mortified. We stick our head up from a neighbouring table and shoot Charlene this aggressive look.
In a harbourside restaurant across town, Sarah is under the impression she's getting proposed to. But, as the old saying goes: when you assume, you get gifted a cheap pair of costume earrings.
There's no engagement ring inside the small square box Telv hands Sarah. She soon discovers it's just pair of glass earings he bought at some random shopping centre jewellery store.
Still, Sarah insists on reading too much into the gift and insists she and Telv move in together when the experiment finishes in two weeks.
Telv knows he needs to deal with this situation immediately. And to make sure Sarah really understands he does not want to move in with her, he ensures his response is as blunt as possible.
"If you care about me that much you would actually wait as long as you had to," he informs her.
Sarah's shocked. Her fears of abandonment bubble to the surface and Telv's clear objection to the move in only elevates her possessiveness.
"Like, I'm married to you! Continue to be married to me!" she stutters.
But he's adamant there will be no moving in. He puts his foot down. Telv's heartless response to the suggestion sends Sarah's dreams crashing down.
"I WANNA HAVE KIDS AND I'M ALMOST 40!" she sobs.
Telv drops his head.
"F*ck," he whispers.
Despite the drama, the waiters keep wheeling out dishes to this never-ending feast. Telv tries to ignore Sarah's weeping. And as he cuts into an arancini, he mumbles: "I'm not saying no."
They both look out over the deck as the sun sets over Sydney. The Harbour Bridge sweeps across the water and the sails of the Opera House soar. And across the water, the giant clown head at Luna Park taunts Telv and Sarah with it's wicked, toothy grin - cackling at life, love, and their flailing relationship.
For more observations on Sarah McLachlan songs and shoestring fries, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir
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