A TOOWOOMBA man has written what could possibly be the funniest sales pitch in an effort to sell a dilapidated caravan.
Russ Brown's good-humoured and honest take on Frankie the Friendly Caravan is spreading on social media after he posted the ad on Facebook last night.
Dropping the price from $26,990, Mr Brown is offering the "15 feet of fantastic, the Aluminium Can of Awesomeness, the MOST fun you can have on two wheels" for just $450.
The lengthy post first explains that Mr Browns plans to convert the caravan into a piece of travelling luxury has been replaced by his purchase of a bus "into which I plan to retrofit a motor home coupled to a vortex manipulator to enable time travel".
"Sure, it won't be a TARDIS, but you try getting your head around the Block Computational Mathematics! A man must know his limits," he wrote.
He then moves on to describing the interior and exterior of the "time-locked 1960s (or 70s - I don't really know) grandeur" of the caravan.
In a writing style enough to rival Hemingway, Mr Brown proudly states Frankie includes everything a buyer could want in a caravan, with enough beauty that is "bound to be the milkshake that brings the boys to the yard".
The van's windows have been sealed shut with screws to block out the gremlins, two pre-installed roof vents that allow for wind flows - when open and closed - and create a sauna effect in "sultry summer months".
"The shabby-chic interior has been carefully engineered to look like rotting plywood panels, an accent that is beautifully complemented by the loose lino tiles on the floor," he wrote.
"Amidship, you will find the generously appointed galley, complete with a [place where a stove-top used to be, and what must surely be by now an antique two-way fridge.
"Fortunately, the fridge doesn't work, adding an extra safety factor to the purchase.
"It is ideal to store socks in, or if you were at a loss to find that 'special hiding place' to put things so you will be able to remember where they are later on, this is the spot for you."
Water isn't a problem in Frankie the Friendly Caravan with "enough holes in the roof aplenty", but Mr Brown is unsure if the electrical sockets actually work "since I have not been game enough to plug anything in".
Fuel efficiency for the potential buyer has been considered with Mr Brown removing the screens from the van to keep the weight down.
"Complete with tow-hitch and one of the rustedest jockey-wheels known to man, this little puppy is a pleasure to put on the back of a tow-truck and transport to your own home," he wrote.
"Regardless of if you are looking for a venue for that special date, or if you are looking to impress your spouse with yet another unfinished project, purchasing this van will likely see you become the envy of your friends.
"You owe it to yourself to come on over and see the splendour and grandeur for yourself.
"Guided tours of the mobile villa are available for sixpence through the day, with special night time tours offered by appointment only and for negotiated rates."
In what he described as a regretful sale and a chance for a lucky buyer to own a piece of caravanning history, Mr Brown urges potential purchasers to buy it for the kids.
"Do her up or strip her down for a cheap trailer, either way you don't wnt to be the one telling the grandkids in 20 years time that you almost bought the van of the centuy," he wrote.
"Be the person who is sitting on that wooden frame in the dinette across from your grandkids whilst fist-pumping the air saying, 'I saw it! I loved it! I bought it!'.
"You don't want to let them down, do you?"
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