BACK when they knew a thing or two some smartie said, "An ass is beautiful to an ass, and a pig to a pig." Which gives some hope to those of us who are rank outsiders in the beauty stakes.
Beauty, they say, is in the eye of the beholder. I'm a beholder.
And though I don't behold as much as I did, there's still the occasional glimmer of hope.
The glimmer, though, is fading - hanged if I can behold enthusiastically those catwalk models who have less meat on them than a butcher's apron.
These skinny unsmiling people with a lack of distinguishing protuberances wouldn't have rated a splash from an old masters' brush.
The ancient artist blokes were real beholders who wouldn't bother to get out their paints if a woman didn't have a Mona Lisa smirk and a rear end at least as wide as a Kirkland's bus.
Those days are gone.
As soon as the modern female looks like becoming old master material, she's knocking on the door of some weight reduction factory prepared to pay good money to take off what she paid the supermarket good money to put on.
When she achieves her objective and becomes as pencil thin as the fashion magazines tell her she should be, don't dare say she looked better with meat on her bones. It cost her heaps to get like this and you'd better like it.
Then there's that line that could have been started by dermatologists and face cream manufacturers - beauty is only skin deep. Since neither of these trades has any interest in delving deeper than the outer layer, it could be a ploy to drum up business.
Surgeons will challenge the beauty is skin deep contention. To them a metre or two of intestine has a beauty all of its own when they think of what they're being paid to behold it.
I once took a herb called equisetum. Could be something that's given to a horse - it was used to treat a spur on my heel.
It didn't do much to fix the spur and since it's known as the Beauty Herb, I have to admit it didn't do much in that direction, either.
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